Brian Hansbury Has Issues
Empirical Study: My Dating Advice is Anathema…To Most!
Here’s what people have been saying about my old column, Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury:
- “Your column here smacks of western white male fantasy. Not only is it racist, but misogynist as hell.”
- “It may only be one woman’s opinion but I find Mr. Hansbury’s writing and commentary to be offensive and juvenile. When I read his piece about “lying”…I was so disturbed I could barely get through it.”
- “i can’t believe you managed to work in a reference to john cage in your fart story. you get a gold star for that.” – Someone Who Totally Gets It
Though I choose to interpret all three of those comments strictly as high praise, my dating column is over. I’m burnt out. And I made up all those questions I answered. Plus, I don’t really go on a lot of dates (If you hadn’t already, now would be a great time to question my journalistic integrity).
Like Jesus or even Madonna, I Re-Invent Myself!
What a lot of people don’t know about me is that I really and truly think I could be a pretty good POTUS. I’m smart, compassionate and a good leader. And sure I’ve closed a lot of doors for myself over the years, and while the door to professional sports stardom was closed, some say, at my birth, the door to the presidency remains open. When Obama was elected, a lot of black people were fond of saying, with a tear in their eye, how now they could say to their grandson, “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up, even the President,” and really mean it for the first time. But what everyone seems to forget is that George W. Bush already accomplished this. As of the 2000 election it was really and truly possible for anyone, even a dumb, stupid, coked up and retarded white person, to be POTUS.
So, it’s with the qualifications to one day be the next President of the United States of America that I embark on a new chapter in my online life, a political column in which I take the big wigs and small wigs alike to task. It’s an ideological revolution I’m tentatively calling, “Brian Hansbury Has Issues” because, truly, an issue hasn’t been laid to rest until it’s been properly Hansdled.
Pies Primero!
Obama made a splash this week by selecting a Latin American woman, Sonia Sotomayor, as his nominee to the United States Supreme Court, prompting GOP Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma to ask that the nomination process make certain Sotomayor is not unduly influenced by her background. In a statement Inhofe said, “It will be important for those of us in the U.S. Senate to weigh her ability to rule fairly without undue influence from her own personal race, gender, or political preferences.” By asking Sotomayor to ignore the life experiences that got her where she is, the wrinkles in thought that are created by unique experience, to deny the totality of her humanity, Inhofe is requiring Sotomayor to act as a robot. Not surprisingly, Inhofe followed up his statement with his own suggestion for the perfect nominee: judge, jury and executioner, The T-900.
I would have handled the Dred Scott case by killing everyone on Earth.
While judicial objectivity seems cool and all, it’s basically impossible. Why? Because judges aren’t bad ass, human hating machines from the future. Instead they are just humans and are accordingly subject to prejudices and bias. Just ask current SCJ, Sammy Alito.
I Said ‘Meet Jim, My Dad’, Not ‘Eat Poop You Cat!’
Senator Inhofe isn’t the only one who’s got beef. Apparently for weeks Sotomayor has been the victim of a whisper campaign seeking to disparage her good name. For those of you not as savvy to politics as I am, if you are the subject of a whisper campaign it means you are the sentence or short phrase in the game, telephone, except there’s a douche bag trying to tear you down on the end of every call. It starts with you being hard to work with and ends with your casual sexual relationship with Hitler’s corpse and officially recognized status as the world’s only bonafide Coneheads fan.
Brief Aside w/r/t Last Comment
Yes, what I’m essentially saying above by placing the Coneheads reference after the Hitler necrophelia reference is that Coneheads sucks way worse than sex with Hitler’s dead body. If I were nominated for the Supreme Court and it came out that during a time of experimentation in college I had espoused an appreciation for Coneheads, I would
Dan Akroyd: Worse Than Hitler!
be sure to flood the media with pictures of me having sex with Hitler’s corpse in order to distract from that with greater potential to cause my downfall, my old roommate’s video evidence of me wearing a Coneheads t-shirt. I mean, some people really do like Hitler. You hear about neo-Nazis on the news and stuff. But no one and I mean no one likes Dan Akroyd: Garfunkel to Belushi’s Simon. Just like in 1939, Hitler wins again!
The Honorable Judge Hotness Presiding!
And if race and gender are going to be such hot topics for Sotomayor’s nomination, it is important to note that she is a Latin American female judge replacing a white male judge. I’ve seen this somewhere before. I believe it was in 2001 that the opening monologue of the People’s Court changed from this:
“What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with a case pending in a New York metropolitan area court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims and have their disputes settled here, in Judge Jerry Sheindlin’s forum: The People’s Court.”
to THIS:
My favorite movie is Speed 2: Cruise Control. But only because my vanity plates say CruzCntrl.
“Everybody’s talking about the honorable Marilyn Milian, the hottest judge on television. Real cases, real litigants. Here, in our forum: The People’s Court.”
She’s hot, she’s latina and she would totally kaibosh the trash talk from these pissed off old, white racist Senators. Surely everyone would support the more telegenic nomination to the United States Supreme Court of Milian. After all, Sotomayor sort of looks like Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman’s lovechild at 50.
Everybody Relax!
Sonia Sotomayor will obviously be confirmed to the SCOTUS. Remember when everyone went ape over Alito and tried really hard to prevent his nomination? Usually unless one of these presidential nominee types has illegal immigrants working for them, they totally win the job. And, it would be pretty ironic for Sotomayor to be harboring illegals what with all the attention being paid to her race. Most of the judges who make the short lists of nominees are wildly qualified. Even if their views of constitutional law are diametrically opposed to ones own, these folks are generally insanely smart. And more importantly they generally have utmost respect for the Constitution. Senators from both sides ask all these questions to determine how the judge interprets the document, whether they are loose or strict constructionists. The way the Supreme Court interprets the Consitution is probably more important than Congress and the POTUS combined. Not enough regular Americans are aware of this.
SOTOMAYOR NOMINATION?
Hey, Norm!
Tags:Coneheads, court, Hansdled The People's Court, Robots, sotomayor, US Supreme
29. May 2009 at 9:48 am :
so i completely missed the boat in adding some witty retort to some of the previous heated comment infused debates under your last column…whoops…but i thought it was off-the-wall ridiculous good fun. Soooo, suffice to say now that the apparently faux advice ship has sailed…im stoked to check out this new endeavor…im all for ridiculously snarky/witty banter. bring it.
29. May 2009 at 1:38 pm :
I love the name of the column…so perfectly profound! Clearly created by someone extremely awesome